The Lost Journal #69

Warning: Adult content 18 years and older only!  ~ Another page from the journal of a teenage girl, homeless, struggling to survive on the streets. ~ I went into the Mission only out of desperation, the Mission people knew that. When I was done eating and walking towards the front door,  Abby stepped in front of me saying something like, would you like to give thanks to our Lord?

I felt like running out the door but a group of teens sitting around a table all looked my way waiting to hear my answer.   I didn’t want to seem rude or anything so I said sure.    Abby led me to the table and everyone joined their hands together and began to pray.

I didn’t want to be there, as they prayed I looked around at them all, their heads bowed, eyes closed, holding each others hands tightly, the words they said I can’t remember.   Afterwards I thought I would have to make some excuse to leave;  I was sure they wanted  me to stay, convert me, make me feel obligated, make me a “born again” Christian.

Abby told me to come again anytime, for any reason, I could turn to them, that was their mission.

She knew I couldn’t wait to get out of there, she came over to me and hugged me saying, “be safe and God Bless you”. I was totally floored!

I walked out the front door back into the heat, the crowds, all going somewhere, doing some thing.

I’ve been sitting in the shade of a building on Bloor Street near Bay, the change they toss into my hat is piling up.

It’s looking good so I’ll stay here a little longer.

I’m starting to get sick, I can feel it, coming down is always a bitch!

I haven’t had a fix for over 14 hours now and I’ve got to get.

The Mission maybe I could ask someone there,  I wonder if they’d help me with that? ha ha ha.  wouldn’t that be nice.

I count the money I’ve collected, so far I have $28.65,   it’s enough to get a hit but  what do I do after that?  I’ll have $3.65 left over and it takes hours to collect more, so much time just sitting, waiting for someone to feel generous or to feel sorry for me.

Outside the Frosty Freeze, the patio is empty, I go inside and sit at the counter. There are three or four other people, all guys,  talking about whatever. I hate being in here alone, the guys all stare and make comments about me, loud enough that I can hear them. The guy working the counter comes over and asks me what I want. I ask for a certain person and he asks,  “what do you want him for?”  I don’t know whether to tell him or not, I pause and say its business. I tell him I’m a friend of Nicks. The guy tells me they won’t do singles anymore, if I want quantity fine and no fronts. I was freaking now, I didn’t have enough money, how was I going to make this happen? I had the shakes, and my nose was running, I felt like puking.

It must have been obvious to all of them, I was hurting. I was told the boss should be back shortly if I wanted to wait. So, I sat at the counter feeling like everyone was staring at me, feeling like I wanted to just get up and leave but I couldn’t.   I was trapped by my own want, need, addiction and I hated it more and more every day.

I was given a coffee “on the house”the guy said. I felt like saying how ’bout a hit on the house? The boss showed up about 15 minutes later, he came in through the back door. He was tall and good looking, dressed in black jeans, a black leather coat and black leather boots the kind bikers wore. He looked around the place to see who was there and then he sat at the back table and waved the counter guy over.

They spoke for a minute and then the counter guy came up to me and told me I could go talk to him now. It felt so weird like I was in some kind of Godfather movie or something. I went back to his table and sat down. He introduced himself as Rico and asked me my name, so I told him Shannon, he said he liked that name, and he smiled and asked me how Nick was doing. I told him Nick was OK, except for having problems with his girlfriend. Rico laughed and said “which one?” I tried to laugh but I was feeling really bad by then.

Rico asked me about how much I was looking to buy, I told him the truth, I just needed to score a hit, I was coming down really bad. Rico smiled at me again and said maybe we can make a deal,  he got up and I followed him. Rico told the guy at the counter that no one was to bother him for any reason.

I didn’t realize what was up until it was too late. Rico unlocked the office door and he ushered me inside. I could tell he had lots of money by the way his office was decorated, expensive furniture, carpeting, art work, stereo system. He told me to sit down there on the couch and I watched him as he opened up a closet door and stepped inside. When he came back out he had a steel box with him like a cash box. He came over and sat down beside me, and unlocked the box, inside were plastic bags full of heroin. He said that he was willing to give me a break since I was in a bad way. He picked out one of the baggies and closed up the box. Then he went over to his desk and brought out a small, long, leather case, like a fancy math compass set.

Rico started to talk to me about deals, about if you want something I have then you better have something I want.  I was feeling so sick by then I would have nodded my head yes to anything he was saying just to get him to hurry up.  I watched him mix up a hit for me, he had a glass syringe, and stainless steel everything in that fancy kit of his.  It must have been an old doctors outfit like they used before the plastic ones they use now.

Rico hit me up knowing I was too shaky to do it myself, and then I lay back on the leather couch and let the medicine do its stuff.

I was in heaven again, after the rush, there was the intense euphoria overwhelming my body, my mind, I felt so good.  I watched, like I was watching a movie,  as Rico began to undo his shirt, and undo his belt.  He had a very well built body, muscular and tanned with only a few tattoos on his upper arms.

It was when he knelt down in front of me his hardness bulging through his unzipped jeans that I realized what he wanted as payment.  He leaned forward and undid my top, and my jeans, he began kissing me his tongue deeply inside my mouth.  I could not pull away, I knew I had no choice now, I had done the hit, I owed him now.   He took off my bra and began sucking on my breasts, I was getting turned on, I wanted him to do it to me, I couldn’t stop.  He knew he had got me horny now so he stopped and stripped the rest of his clothes off.

He grabbed me by my hair and forced me towards his very erect cock, it was so big and hard.  He said “suck it” and forced it into my mouth, I almost gagged as he thrust it in to the back of my throat, over and over again,  until I thought I would choke.  He stopped suddenly and  began squeezing my tits,  as he lay on top of me and then stuck his hardness inside of me,  forcing it inside of me deeply until it hurt.   Then he began pumping fiercely like an animal,  sweat pouring down his face, dripping onto my body,   his hands on my tits squeezing them,  pinching them.   He was vicious as he fucked me,  then he started to moan and began to cum,  thrusting his cock deep inside of me,  shuddering, before he finally lay down on top of me breathless.

I lay there feeling his heart beating against my chest, as he gasped for air.  I had responded like he wanted me to, he got me going like a bitch in heat and he knew it.  I wasn’t feeling so great about myself now that the deed was done.   I was trying to stop my thoughts, thoughts of how much of a slut I’d become.  To let him use me, so I could get my fix.  I would never have believed it!  if someone had told me last year that I’d be doing stuff like this,  I would have laughed and said something like,  “no way in hell.”

I guess that I must be in hell now.

Copyright ©2009 The Lost Journal/

Written by: Sandra Lynn

All pictures used courtesy of Google Images